Probably the primary complaint I hear from women is that their partner’s foreplay sucks. Not that his penis is too small, not he doesn’t last long enough, not he doesn’t know what he’s doing.
Just that he doesn’t spend enough time focusing on quality foreplay.
Why is foreplay so important?!
You’re a guy – you get turned on, you get an erection, and you’re ready to go. Foreplay might be nice for you, but it’s just the cherry on the cake.
Women simply don’t work the same way.
In many ways, it all boils down to the matter of lubrication. When a woman wants sex she (usually) gets wet, but that wetness doesn’t usually happen immediately. It takes time, and some women take longer than others.
A woman can be turned on without being wet at all, but without lubrication sex is painful. One of the main aims of foreplay is to get her wet so that she can enjoy sex (and you too, since her lubrication will make it feel better).
You don’t need to be a rocket scientist to figure out foreplay though. You don’t need fancy moves or crazy sex toys; you just need a few good ideas, some common sense and the ability to resist rushing it.
The long game
Foreplay is a long game. You might have heard it said that sex for women is a mental thing, and that’s somewhat true. To be a master of foreplay you need to know that it never stops.
We’re not talking about ten minutes before getting down to the real action; we’re talking about an entire evening. Don’t panic though – I’m not suggesting you spend hours giving her oral sex!
What I mean is building up during the day. Try surprising her with a cheeky or romantic text message. Hand holding when you’re walking down the street, touching, caressing, sliding your arm around her waist – all these things count.
And ideally, during the course of your evening, you want to maintain as much casual touching as possible.
In terms of more intense foreplay, how long should you be spending? That depends on you and your partner. No woman is the same. Actually, no encounter is the same. Sometimes fast is fine, sometimes slow is better, even with the same woman.
I know that’s not exactly a definitive answer, but putting a time limit on these things is tough. If you want a basic rule: keep going until either she’s obviously lubricated and turned on, or until she asks for more.
More on that in a bit.
So, you’ve been doing the sweet stuff like holding hands and casually touching all night. Now it’s time to move on to something a little more passionate. Your first move is simple: kissing.
Don’t underestimate it and don’t over-complicate things. Kissing is a fantastic start and an important step.
Begin gently and softly, and take your cue from her. When she starts to exert more pressure, go in for deeper kisses. Kiss like you were in high school; kiss like sex isn’t an option and kissing is all you’ll be allowed to do.
And when you’re both ready, move things to the bedroom (or wherever else you like), and begin removing clothing. And by ready, I mean you honestly can’t take anymore and you have to move on.
Don’t make the rookie mistake of going for her jeans button (or yours) too early on. You’re building up to a climax here, so don’t rush things.
The non erogenous
Once you’re comfortable and (mostly) naked, move on to touching, but steer clear of the erogenous zones for now (the breasts and genitals). Neck kissing, kissing down her chest to her stomach, stroking the insides of her thighs are all good moves.
Get creative with the way you touch, for example lifting her arms over her head and very gently stroking the tips of your fingers down from her wrists to the upper arm to the armpit and then down the side of her body to her hips.
The idea is to prolong the sensuality of the experience, subtly teasing her and showing her you’re into her whole body, not just the parts guys like most. So when you do get to the sexier places she’s already ready to be touched there. In fact, she’s longing to be touched there.
When breathing is harder, and pulses are racing, you’re ready to turn things up a notch. But we’re still leaving the genitals alone for a little longer. Head up to the breasts, stroke them gently, run your thumb across her nipples.
When her nipples are hard, tease her by seductively licking around them at first. Then you can lick her nipples, and finally suck them, keeping a steady rhythm.
Nipples are sensitive, and you need to be gentle unless she asks for more pressure. The rookie mistake here is the “twister.” You are NOT tuning a radio. Please don’t twist and turn nipples, very few women like this. Sucking, on the other hand, is much more pleasurable.
You can also stroke the inside of her thighs, moving your hand closer and closer, maybe even brushing over her vagina, but not touching anything directly yet.
A quick interlude
Alright, before we get to the main event, we need to come back and address this lubrication issue again. There’s a new rule in your life: nothing dry touches a vagina. Ever. Got it?
All women are different. Some women will get literally dripping wet, others won’t get wet at all. There are many reasons for dryness (illness, medication, age, stress) which have nothing to do with you. It’s entirely possible for a woman to be very turned on without being wet at all. Don’t take it personally.
Also realize that even if a woman is getting wet, that lubrication is coming from up inside her. That means that the outside part of her genitals won’t necessarily be wet. Which brings us back to our new rule.
If you’re about to touch her down there you need to discreetly pop your finger into your mouth and wet it first. Consider this a courtesy, and do it every time. A dry finger isn’t comfortable.
Things aren’t getting wet down there? Don’t panic. Here’s a second new rule for you: keep a bottle of lube in your bedside drawer. Lubricant is absolutely the most important tool you can keep in your bedroom. Period.
Put the lube on her (don’t just hand her the bottle). If this is a new thing, and you’re worried about how she’ll react, then put a little lube on yourself first, then some on her. That way she’ll know that it’s for everyone’s pleasure.
Oh, and one more thing. Be a gent and warm it up in your hand first if the bedroom is chilly – nothing makes a woman recoil quicker than a guy slapping cold lube onto her vagina.
Back to the action
You’re ready to head to the down below, and now you’ve got a choice to make: you can either use your hand, or your tongue (or maybe go big and do both). Either way, your initial move is to stroke and caress around the vulva. Ignore that clitoris for now, it doesn’t exist yet.
The sensitive areas you should be aiming for? Well, there are three. The first is the silky area of skin just at the bottom of her opening. The second is the first few millimeters inside the opening itself. And the third… is the sweet spot.
Oral sex is arguably an art form, and too few guys really know how to do it well. So rather than give a quick summary here, I highly recommend taking a few minutes to read my detailed article about giving a girl good oral sex.
Ready to go?
So, are you ready for sex now? There are some sure signs. The surest of all is that she asks you. Sounds simple, but there it is.
However, if she’s well lubricated (naturally or artificially), her lips (both the ones on her face and the ones down below) are swollen, and the color of her vagina has deepened, then yes, she’s almost certainly ready.
Becoming the master
If you want to be a true master of foreplay, then there are two things that you really, really need to know. Firstly, communicate. Nothing takes the place of good communication. Ask if she likes something. Pay attention to her responses. If her breathing quickens, you’re doing something right, so continue.
Secondly, the one big thing that makes a difference is desire. No matter how clumsy you might be (or feel), whether your technique is good or not, whether you have tons of experience or none at all, nothing takes the place of desire.
Looking at her and touching her as if you can’t believe you’re allowed to, as if she’s the only thing in the world that you want, will do more to turn her on than anything else. Sounds corny, but it’s true.
Foreplay is essential for good sex. There’s no way around it. But it’s not difficult to do (honestly, it’s really not) and just by deciding to spend plenty of time on it, you’ve already taken the most important step to mastering the concept of foreplay.
Good foreplay will increase the chances of your partner reaching orgasm, but it will also improve your experience. Lubrication will make things better for you, and she’ll want you more. Crude, but true again.
So no excuses. Sex without foreplay is like exercise without stretching. And let’s be honest, it’s not exactly hard work. Some might even say it’s fun…
What does foreplay mean to you? What do you like to do with your partner? Feel free to share your ideas and ask questions in the comments below!